My Testimony

I had a good childhood for the most part. I can't remember any "horror stories" to tell you. I was a mild rebel towards the end of my teenage years, but nothing major. I was more of a smart alek than a trouble maker. People have told me I used it to hide from my fears. Maybe that's true, or maybe it's not. I know that I created "masks" (which I still use to this day, but not quite as frequently). Masks hid my feelings, my anger, my hurt and I "looked" on the outside as if things were just fine. Inside things weren't.

Let me begin with a short introductory explanation of how I came to where I was when I “nudged” by God several times to participate in Cleansing Streams, the last nudge was pretty persistent.

I was married for 13 and a half years to my late husband. My relationship with him of the last five or so years of his life, was very abusive physically and filled with pain, both mental and physical. My late husband was also addicted to alcohol and drugs. In 1998, I was born again at Christ the King and my walk with God in the beginning was shaky, but I was relentless to pursue a relationship with Him, as I knew His strength and love would see me through. Throughout the last years of my marriage, I began to doubt my importance to anyone, including God! I felt as though I were worthless, and not enough – not important enough for any good use. I was not enough to save my husband’s life, I was flawed in some way that he could not love me, therefore how could anyone else? After Eddie passed away, the year of 2004 is a complete blur. I have recollections of it, but none that simply stay in my mind, other than one or two. I felt that should I let God take over the burden of my grief, that I perhaps I was being soft and letting go of my memories of Eddie. And yet the memories were slowly killing me. Towards the end of 2004, I began to feel extreme anger, rage and began to have flashbacks of horrible times. I knew I had to do something! That’s when the final nudge brought me to the irrevocable decision to join the Cleansing Stream classes.

I remember the first class. It started at 7pm, and I had prayed to God to “protect me” from the unknown people and to not make me talk! As the classes went on, I felt a strange, yet loving bonding developing between those in the class. I felt as though I could share more and more as time went on. Those people who have now become very dear friends to me could be trusted to listen and not judge. I had come into Cleansing Streams with expectations of what I wanted to be cleansed from and yet when I went to the retreat, I discovered those expectations had already been met. I was being led by God to break down some barriers that were so deep within me, and I was very, very afraid! I had no idea what to expect, and the first subject that was touched upon was bitterness. I thought to myself, I take the cake on this one. I had so much bitterness within myself that surely couldn’t be healed and taken away. And yet I felt strangely peaceful afterwards, and yet more apprehensive than before!

We got back to the hotel and I sat outside talking with a friend from home and was thinking to myself, I’ve finally lost my marbles! What am I doing here? I wanted to go home. Yes, go home Sarah and hide in the misery you’ve collected for yourself and do not heal. I thankfully ignored those feelings.

Saturday dawned with bright misgivings and we went back to the retreat. Surely nothing could be worse than the bitterness subject. Bang, right out of the box…shame. Oh Lord, I said, no, please, not this! I went up front and told the intercessor briefly of my shame and that is when I felt the most awesome feeling and heard our Father speak to me. “My child, He said, You are enough!! You are My child, and I love you!” I felt the bitterness, the shame and the awful feelings leave me, to be replaced with God’s love and acceptance! I was truly been delivered!

In about 2007, I returned to Cleansing Streams. I had a trust issue with the most important part of my life...God! I felt as though I still couldn't trust Him. After all, I came very close to dying in my marriage! There were times that I was hurt so badly physically, but it was as though even thru that, God protected me from the worst. I believe that had Eddie not passed away, perhaps in one of his fits of rage, he would have killed me. (Ok, there, I said it) I felt so deeply afraid of starting a new relationship with anyone. Because "what if"? I prayed and yet there was that block...if He could have allowed it with Eddie, why not someone else? I had one other issue, but the answer I got was, "yes, but no." I live with that answer, because I finally understand the answer. It hurts sometimes, but it's my cross.

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